Been Reading a lot! Another Book Recommendation

how to be a woman

Caitlin Moran can write. And she is SO FUNNY! And self-deprecating. And opinionated, and likable  even when I disagree with her.

I highly recommend How To Be a Woman, a memoir and examination of modern women’s issues, from puberty, to abortion, to face-lifts.  A few excerpts:

On Modern Feminism:

But if there is to be a fifth wave of feminism, I would hope that the main thing that distinguishes it from all that came before is that women counter the awkwardness, disconnect, and bullshit of being a modern woman not by shouting at it, internalizing it, or squabbling about it – but by simply pointing at it and going “HA!” instead.

On Women Who Don’t Wish to be Called ‘Feminist:’

These days, however, I am much calmer – since I realized that it’s technically impossible for a woman to argue against feminism. Without feminism, you wouldn’t be allowed to have a debate on a woman’s place in society. You’d be too busy giving birth on the kitchen floor – biting down on a wooden spoon, so as not to disturb the men’s card game – before going back to hoeing the rutabaga field.

On Burlesque:

Additionally, despite its intense stylization of sexuality, it doesn't have the oddly aggressive, humorless air of the strip club: burlesque artists sing, talk, and laugh. They tell jokes – something unthinkable in the inexplicably po-faced atmosphere of a lap-dancing club, which treats male/female interactions with all the gravitas of Cold War-era meetings between Russia and the USA, rather than a potential hoot. Perhaps as a direct consequence, burlesque artist treat their own sexuality as something fabulous and enjoyable – rather than something bordering on a weapon, to be ground, unsmilingly, into the face of the sweaty idiot punter below.

And a few other favorite quotes:

Would we give so much of a shit about our thighs if we, as a sex, owned the majority of the world’s wealth, instead of men?

And:

Whatever it is we want the future to be like, no one’s going to have to die for it… Simply being honest about who we really are is half the battle. If what you read in magazines and papers makes you feel uneasy or shitty – don’t buy them!

OK, enough.  Just read the book!

Will Having Kids Make You Happy?

I had my first child at age 19, very young by our current cultural standards. Since then, like most parents, I’ve worked at being the best parent I can be (sometimes more successfully than others), and I have loved my children more than I ever knew was possible.  At the same time, I have also endeavored to live just as fully as I would have without children.

I have never believed in sacrificing one’s personal happiness for anyone, including our kids.  I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t be generous; serving others is one of the most satisfying things we can do, and essential to creating the kind of world we all wish to live in. I’m not talking about the many small compromises, or momentary discomforts that come with the territory of loving someone else as much, if not more than we love ourselves.  I’m talking about sacrificing the big picture. Nothing good comes from foregoing our callings, giving up our passions and dreams.

If we surrender our own success and fulfillment in order to invest everything in our children, should they grow up to sacrifice their lives in service to our grandchildren?  This logic has always seemed broken to me.  A vicious cycle.  Nurturing ourselves and heeding our soul’s calling not only contributes to our own happiness but helps us put more light into the world in which we, our children and our grandchildren all live.

Until recently, I fooled myself to some extent into thinking of motherhood more as a relationship --- like being a sister, daughter or friend ---  than a job.  Not that I didn’t see it as chock-full of importance and obligation, but that it was simply a part of the fabric of our families and identities, not a vocation.

This view has served me well in many ways, as I haven’t used motherhood as an excuse to hold me back from doing or creating a lot of things I’ve been called to do in this life.  I still finished college (though it took a lot longer than 4 years,) researched and wrote a thesis that moved me, performed in a circus troupe, accepted exciting job offers, took a life-changing trip to Haiti, and in a few weeks, I’ll pack my bags and head to Nicaragua to go surfing – not bad right?

On the other hand, I’ve spent many days (or typically evenings, in that hellish window between dinner and bedtime known as the 'witching hour') pulling my hair in frustration and wondering why it seems so damn hard to keep it all together, feeling like things aren’t working, and asking why it seems like other women my age are getting so much more accomplished than I am.

It wasn't until I was in my thirties and my children were 6 and 13, that I became much more real with myself about the implications that motherhood has had on my life.  It is a relationship, but it is so much more; not just an enormous emotional obligation but a role full of tasks that demand a significant amount of time.

This issue regarding time is one I tried to keep secret from myself for years, but I can no longer deny its reality.  So, while I continue to follow my dreams and encourage all moms and dads to do the same, I am being much more realistic about the number of hours in my day and week that are not available due to the demands of parenting.  Some other activities, pursuits and achievements can and do get crowded out of the schedule.

Things are harder with children.  There, I said it.

I have learned that I stress less and enjoy my family most when I work fewer hours.  But when I keep my work schedule light, I experience less career satisfaction.  I want to work more.  I want to do more and create more.  I would if I could manage it. I think it’s important that I/we start speaking up honestly about this.

When I heard about feminsting.com creator Jessica Valenti’s new book, Why Have Kids: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness I couldn’t wait to hear another feminist’s take on the topic of parenting and life satisfaction.

why have kids?

After giving birth to her first child, Jessica Valenti’s experience of parenting, which was less blissful than she had expected, led her to explore the social politics around child-rearing in our culture today.  Putting modern parenting in a feminist context, Valenti examines the expectations we as women put on ourselves in the domain of parenting.  What expectations does society place on us?  How does parenting affect our lives and what changes do we still need to enact in order to make parenting a more manageable and less limiting choice?

One area I found brilliant was that Valenti encourages moms not to look at parenting as “the hardest job you’ll ever do,” arguing that this puts too much pressure on moms to put aside their other dreams and passions in the seemingly noble pursuit of being the perfect parent.  This really resonated with me and my philosophy on parenting.

In response to one mom-blogger’s online manifesto declaring parenting the hardest and most important role we can possibly play, Valenti responds:

“We must believe that parenting is the most rewarding, the hardest, and the most important thing we will ever do.  Because if we don’t believe it, then the diaper changing, the mind-numbing Dora watching, the puke cleaning, and the “complete self-sacrifice” that we’re “locked in for life to” is all for nothing.  We must believe it because the truth is just too damn depressing.”

Whether you have children, or are considering having them, I recommend this book because it helps shed light on some of the common pitfalls parents can avoid, and encourages critical discussion around the impact this choice has on us.

At times, Why Have Kids? seems more like a defense of child-free living than a call to empowered mom-hood.  Though I believe the author's intent was to open up a dialogue, rather than to argue for or against parenthood, the book frequently cites studies that show parents who are having children for “the joy of it” are ending up unhappier than their child-free peers.

While the responsibilities that come with having children would certainly seem to lead to added stress and frustration, I wonder whether the studies mentioned measure positive affect or whether they refer to overall life satisfaction?  These are sometimes broken up into two separate categories in positive psychology as “happiness” can be too vague a term.  Do parents expect more moments of joy?  More sense of purpose or belonging in their lives?  More love?

Although parenting has provided me with plenty of stress and a greater workload, it has also afforded me the opportunity to experience a capacity for love, compassion and generosity I might never have otherwise experienced.

I think Why Have Kids? could have looked more closely at the idea of love/meaning as the reason for becoming a parent, rather than coming back to the default word “happiness” so frequently.

There are many reasons why I had children.  Among them: love, chance, societal expectations, and perhaps a desire for immortality -- a part of me that lives on when my time here is up.

I'd also say that when I imagined life without kids, I often wondered who I would spend special occasions with in my older years.  I liked the idea of having adult children, and maybe grandchildren who would come together to celebrate holidays and milestones.

I encourage everyone to consider their reasons for having children, or not having them.  However, like any important choice, don't let fear or guilt be the deciding factor.  Following any calling is challenging and at times unpleasant.  Becoming a parent is scary.  So is standing up for not wanting to be one in the face of other's expectations.

As for me,  I will continue to treasure my children, while at the same time fighting for my career, my creativity, my self-expression and most definitely, my happiness.

2 tips i'll use to help achieve my first goal of 2013

nicaragua surf

There is an undeniably cyclical nature to our lives. The rhythms of 'on' and 'off' cycles show up in our work, creativity, productivity, and certainly our health and fitness.

Of course, I do advocate having overall healthy habits. Anything we do consistently will yield results! With regard to physical fitness, if you regularly eat junk and don't exercise, your body will reflect this. Consistently do a decent job in these areas and your body will reflect this too.

But we humans also thrive on periods of intensity and challenge, followed by periods of rest.  Both are incredibly valid and rewarding.

Throughout the holidays, I fully embraced the joy of the 'off' cycle. I was skipping workouts, indulging in lots of sweets and drinks, and having a pretty freaking fabulous time resting my body and mind, while enjoying the traditions of the season and the company of friends and family! (Oh yeah, and going to bed with a stomachache pretty regularly.)

With the holidays past, I'm back 'on' in the area of healthy eating and exercise... Oh and the next big thing 6 weeks away on the horizon?? A VACATION!!!! Woooo!!

One of the goals I did not achieve last year was standing up on my surfboard by myself. I am not giving up! I've decided to immerse myself in a week of surf lessons while getting a sunny, exotic, adults-only break from the every day with my love.  We're headed to Nicaragua for a surf retreat and an adventure unlike anything we've ever done.

In order to bounce back from my indulgent holiday lifestyle (Yup, I gained 6 pounds in about 2 weeks!) I'm getting back on the wagon and committing to getting into my best shape by the time I leave for Nicaragua on February 15th.

For this challenge, that means getting to the weight that I know feels best for my body. I still feel strong and 'in shape' but I'm 8 lbs away now from the weight that makes me feel fittest.  (I want to be clear that I know I'm not overweight, or 'unfit.'  As a feminist, I believe in loving and living in one's body without shame.  As a fitness professional, I believe a super healthy and fit body makes for a more enjoyable life.)

How do I plan to reach my goal?  I'll use these two tips:

1. Have a short-term by-when date (a.k.a. deadline). If it's a big goal, break it down into smaller ones.Think how effective runners can be when they're training for a big race.  I'm looking at this as an event, just as an athlete trains for a competition.  Our trip on February 15th is my by-when date.
2. Have someone to hold you accountable.I'll be relying on my trusty holistic nutritionist Julie Starr-Wood to hold me accountable through daily emails of my food and exercise records.  I know exactly how I need to eat to feel my best, but time and again, I have found that I tend to 'cheat' when I feel like no one's looking.  She helps me keep my integrity until the results start to speak for themselves.

Do you have fitness goals for the new year?  Have you thought about breaking them down so that you've got something you can achieve sooner than later?  Feeling successful will definitely help keep you motivated to go further.

Peer pressure can be a good thing!  Who do you have who can hold you accountable for reaching that first milestone?

I'd love to hear about your goals! Just like Buddy the Elf with smiling, "Goals are my favorite!"

I'll keep sharing my progress regarding this goal, as well as what other things I'm looking forward to creating in this new year!

Till soon,

Andrea

{beach photo by Alex Barth}

2013: Onward and Upward

sunrise

A while back, a friend of mine accidentally coined the term "sombering" when she mixed up the words "somber" and "sobering," mashing them together. I've loved this made-up word ever since and have had more than a few experiences where it seemed to fit.

One of the most "sombering" moments of my life was when I learned of the horrific violence visited upon the people of Newtown, Connecticut on December 14th. When faced with the spirit-crushing knowledge that we live in a world where such cruelty and violence exist, it is hard to know how we can go on. I grieve for those directly impacted by the tragedy and for the millions of people who, like me, were left with a feeling that a piece of their own hope and innocence is forever gone.

I have been quiet about this because I feel I have nothing to say that can ease our collective sadness. To avoid tormenting myself, I retreated from news stories and friends' status updates that only seemed to make me feel worse. I have allowed myself to feel the grief. There are no words that will speed us through it. No easy fix.

How long is it appropriate to mourn for people you never knew? For me, it feels like it will linger a long time, maybe forever. And in that grief it can seem trivial to go on with everyday things. To write blog posts about fitness, or food, or of all things, fun.

But I do know that even in the presence of grief, we will move on. We will each continue to shine our light into the world -- a world that I have to believe is filled with more light than darkness. I'm committed to offering up my light, and to leaving this place better than I found it. For me, I'll be doing so with a renewed commitment to seeing things in the scope of the larger community. We are all one.

So on this sombering note, I am back. Back to my blog, back to my calling, as a writer, as a teacher, as an entertainer, as a mother, as someone who cares deeply about humanity and is committed to contributing love, health, happiness and yes, even fun to this world.

New day. New year. New opportunities for love, healing, kindness, compassion, and creating a peaceful world. We move on, step by step, though we are still grieving, in the hope that we can only move up from here.

May the new year bring you peace.