Read Any Good Books Lately?

I recently finished 2 books. OK, technically "audiobooks" since that's what seems to work best for me these days. I've been using the Audible app which I think is reasonably priced at $14.95 for 1 credit/month and offers unlimited returns on books, so if one were inclined to return a book and reuse that credit, one could...

I was excited to read How to Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran. I truly think she is one of the funniest and sharpest modern feminist writers out there.

The story focuses on the teenage years of a self-proclaimed fat girl, growing up in a poor family with her many siblings, who  spends a good amount of her free time "wanking" and the rest of the time listening to alternative bands and lusting after boys.  I was confused -- having read How to Be a Woman, which is memoir, I recognized some details from Moran's life, but others didn't sound right.  I looked it up afterward and saw it was actually a very-semi-autobiographical novel.  Oh!  Makes sense.

Moran's writing is highly self-deprecating and confessional.  I personally related to her rock-star-fixated character, having been the same way as a teenager, and let's face it, I still am.

Despite dropping out of high school, she manages to get a job as a rock critic, and establishes herself by ripping to shreds any band she reviews.  In reality, Moran herself got her start as a writer in similar fashion.

One thing I marveled at (enviously) while reading was the apparent ease with which teenagers can write.  What I wouldn't trade for the naiveté required to simply put something down on paper, without the highly tuned inner critic of an adult, and a bit less regard for offending the reader.

The best part about this book was a passage in which the main character posits the theory that every great thing that's ever been done has been inspired by unrequited love:

Since I met you, I feel like I can see the operating system of the world - and it is unrequited love.  That is why everyone's doing everything.  Every book, opera house, moon shot and manifesto is here because someone, somewhere, lit up silent when someone else came into the room and then quietly burned when they didn't notice them.  On the foundation of the billion kisses we never had, I built you this opera house, baby.  I shot the president because I didn't know what to say to you.  I hoped you'd notice.  I hoped you'd notice me.  We turn our unsaid things into our life's work.

-Caitlin Moran, How to Build a Girl

Beautiful sentiment.  Beautifully written.

I also recently read listened to Yes Please by Amy Poehler, another funny and feminist lady, and a Boston native.  This memoir is a collection of stories, essays, and even some silly haiku poems on topics like divorce, cosmetic surgery, career, and motherhood.

If you're a fan of Poehler's work on Saturday Night Live, or Parks and Rec, you'll enjoy chapters which go into some detail on her creative experiences on these shows.  Because I'm not a big TV-watcher, these chapters were slightly less interesting to me, but overall I found the book very entertaining.  I also appreciated seeing a hugely-successful TV star get on her soapbox about gender equality issues in the workplace in her humble, funny way.

Another thing I appreciated is the way she shared personal anecdotes without over-sharing.  When she wasn't comfortable going into detail about the circumstances of her divorce for example, she acknowledged it, and instead shared her observations on what going through divorce was like, for her, without focusing on her ex or throwing anyone under the bus.  Reading this book was part of what inspired me to start blogging again and sharing more of my own experiences.

Currently, since a friend recommended it as their favorite book ever, I'm taking on Victor Hugo's Les Miserables.  I've never read the book/seen the movie/watched the musical and am a total newbie to this tale.  The audio-book I'm listening to is about 56 hours long.  So yeah.

Last one!  The kids and I have been listening to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallowsduring any of our medium to long car rides.  (The Jim Dale-narrated audio-books, always.  Now available on Audible, hooray!)  It takes us a while to finish the books this way, but that's part of the fun.

My son and I listened to the entire series when he was 7-8 years old, on many long trips back and forth during an inter-state divorce and life-relocation that we were going through at the time.  The stories provided us with a richly imaginative escape during a truly stressful time.

Now that my son is 15, I think he has been enjoying listening to the series all over again with his little sister, now 8, almost as much as I am.  I love these books SO, SO much and had to mention them here.

Have you read any good books lately?  I would love to hear what you recommend!

If You Want to Achieve Greatness...s

(This post was originally published in January 2014.) Happy New Year everyone!  Here's a post I did a few weeks back for the Lexington Power Yoga blog.  I thought I would share it with you here.  I hope you are feeling fulfilled and inspired in this new year.  If you're looking for a great book to help fan your creative flames, please read on for one of my all time favorites.

Last December I hit a rough patch.  In the wake of some very tragic events in the news, I became depressed.  In addition to that, an undercurrent of dissatisfaction had been lingering in me. This would often show up in the form of sour grapes when I saw what others were doing in their careers.

Every time I logged onto social media I came away feeling awful.

It seemed like ‘everyone’ was doing BIG things.  I knew I should feel happy for my friends and colleagues, but mostly I just felt left out.

Luckily, I went in search of healing for a bothersome hamstring issue with a talented acupuncturist and body worker that winter.  When she looked at me, she saw that something deeper was wrong.  She noticed my low energy and sadness immediately.  She asked me what projects I was working on.

She asked me why I wasn’t performing, writing, or creating, pointing out that my face had lit up at the very mention of the subject.

In addition to some excellent acupuncture, body work, and vitamin D, she gave me a reading assignment: The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield.

war-of-art

Is there a more overused descriptor than ‘life-changing?’Never mind, I don’t care!  There is no better way to describe my experience with this book.If I am lucky, the legacy I hope to leave will be to have written a book that changes lives as this book has done for me.It may have just been the right message at the right time, but I was transformed by this very important piece of work.

I won’t spoil it by trying to recreate the book’s message.It wouldn’t do it justice, and anyway, you could easily read it cover-to-cover in one day.It is concise, riveting and to the point.The author seemed to be personally calling me out on the fact that there was something better, more authentic, more inspiring that I wanted to be doing, and that I wasn’t doing it.The book also showed me that the key to doing it was already inside me.

At an event earlier that December, I’d been prompted to come up with a mantra that would serve me well in the face of challenges.I couldn’t quite articulate it yet but I knew it had something to do with giving myself approval instead of seeking it from others.Soon after reading The War of Art, I happened upon an image created by street artist Eddie Colla.The image read:

If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission.

Just like that, I had found my mantra.

greatness

One of the things I knew after finishing The War of Art was that being an entrepreneur was important to me, and it was time to stop avoiding it.  I saw that a huge boom in the fitness world was happening around barre workouts.  I had been teaching this method for 6 years, often trying to explain it to people who had never heard of it.  Now this cult favorite in which I had spent thousands of hours was becoming a mainstream trend.

I saw many businesses trying to offer barre, and honestly, they didn’t seem to be doing it very well.  Some instructors I spoke to mentioned one-weekend trainings.  I couldn’t imagine how anyone could learn in a weekend what it took me hundreds of hours to learn, and to teach to other trainees in my former role as a manager and teacher trainer for a large fitness corporation.  I knew there was no reason to stand on the sidelines.

I would create my own barre and yoga business, one that stood not only for excellence but also for humanity, inspiration, and connection.

By the end of January, the seed of Barre & Soul began to sprout.  In May, I taught the first Barre & Soul class at Lexington Power Yoga, always loving the Lexington Yoga community!  By August, I was the owner of my own studio (Barre & Soul Studio, formerly B Yoga Center of Melrose), and in October I brought Barre & Soul to Equinox in Boston.  I can’t wait to see what is next for this venture!

These days, when I have time to look at social media, I am no longer jealous of the accomplishments of others.  My life is not perfect, but I love it.  I feel empowered.  Being an entrepreneur leaves me feeling self-expressed and fulfilled, and I know this is only the beginning of a long and creative career.

I think for a long time, I had been waiting for some kind of green light to get started.  As though I would receive a tap on the shoulder when it was my turn.  Thankfully, I realized that this is rarely the way things work.  If we want to do something great, we only need to give ourselves permission to start.  I’m so happy I did.

Been Reading a lot! Another Book Recommendation

how to be a woman

Caitlin Moran can write. And she is SO FUNNY! And self-deprecating. And opinionated, and likable  even when I disagree with her.

I highly recommend How To Be a Woman, a memoir and examination of modern women’s issues, from puberty, to abortion, to face-lifts.  A few excerpts:

On Modern Feminism:

But if there is to be a fifth wave of feminism, I would hope that the main thing that distinguishes it from all that came before is that women counter the awkwardness, disconnect, and bullshit of being a modern woman not by shouting at it, internalizing it, or squabbling about it – but by simply pointing at it and going “HA!” instead.

On Women Who Don’t Wish to be Called ‘Feminist:’

These days, however, I am much calmer – since I realized that it’s technically impossible for a woman to argue against feminism. Without feminism, you wouldn’t be allowed to have a debate on a woman’s place in society. You’d be too busy giving birth on the kitchen floor – biting down on a wooden spoon, so as not to disturb the men’s card game – before going back to hoeing the rutabaga field.

On Burlesque:

Additionally, despite its intense stylization of sexuality, it doesn't have the oddly aggressive, humorless air of the strip club: burlesque artists sing, talk, and laugh. They tell jokes – something unthinkable in the inexplicably po-faced atmosphere of a lap-dancing club, which treats male/female interactions with all the gravitas of Cold War-era meetings between Russia and the USA, rather than a potential hoot. Perhaps as a direct consequence, burlesque artist treat their own sexuality as something fabulous and enjoyable – rather than something bordering on a weapon, to be ground, unsmilingly, into the face of the sweaty idiot punter below.

And a few other favorite quotes:

Would we give so much of a shit about our thighs if we, as a sex, owned the majority of the world’s wealth, instead of men?

And:

Whatever it is we want the future to be like, no one’s going to have to die for it… Simply being honest about who we really are is half the battle. If what you read in magazines and papers makes you feel uneasy or shitty – don’t buy them!

OK, enough.  Just read the book!

Will Having Kids Make You Happy?

I had my first child at age 19, very young by our current cultural standards. Since then, like most parents, I’ve worked at being the best parent I can be (sometimes more successfully than others), and I have loved my children more than I ever knew was possible.  At the same time, I have also endeavored to live just as fully as I would have without children.

I have never believed in sacrificing one’s personal happiness for anyone, including our kids.  I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t be generous; serving others is one of the most satisfying things we can do, and essential to creating the kind of world we all wish to live in. I’m not talking about the many small compromises, or momentary discomforts that come with the territory of loving someone else as much, if not more than we love ourselves.  I’m talking about sacrificing the big picture. Nothing good comes from foregoing our callings, giving up our passions and dreams.

If we surrender our own success and fulfillment in order to invest everything in our children, should they grow up to sacrifice their lives in service to our grandchildren?  This logic has always seemed broken to me.  A vicious cycle.  Nurturing ourselves and heeding our soul’s calling not only contributes to our own happiness but helps us put more light into the world in which we, our children and our grandchildren all live.

Until recently, I fooled myself to some extent into thinking of motherhood more as a relationship --- like being a sister, daughter or friend ---  than a job.  Not that I didn’t see it as chock-full of importance and obligation, but that it was simply a part of the fabric of our families and identities, not a vocation.

This view has served me well in many ways, as I haven’t used motherhood as an excuse to hold me back from doing or creating a lot of things I’ve been called to do in this life.  I still finished college (though it took a lot longer than 4 years,) researched and wrote a thesis that moved me, performed in a circus troupe, accepted exciting job offers, took a life-changing trip to Haiti, and in a few weeks, I’ll pack my bags and head to Nicaragua to go surfing – not bad right?

On the other hand, I’ve spent many days (or typically evenings, in that hellish window between dinner and bedtime known as the 'witching hour') pulling my hair in frustration and wondering why it seems so damn hard to keep it all together, feeling like things aren’t working, and asking why it seems like other women my age are getting so much more accomplished than I am.

It wasn't until I was in my thirties and my children were 6 and 13, that I became much more real with myself about the implications that motherhood has had on my life.  It is a relationship, but it is so much more; not just an enormous emotional obligation but a role full of tasks that demand a significant amount of time.

This issue regarding time is one I tried to keep secret from myself for years, but I can no longer deny its reality.  So, while I continue to follow my dreams and encourage all moms and dads to do the same, I am being much more realistic about the number of hours in my day and week that are not available due to the demands of parenting.  Some other activities, pursuits and achievements can and do get crowded out of the schedule.

Things are harder with children.  There, I said it.

I have learned that I stress less and enjoy my family most when I work fewer hours.  But when I keep my work schedule light, I experience less career satisfaction.  I want to work more.  I want to do more and create more.  I would if I could manage it. I think it’s important that I/we start speaking up honestly about this.

When I heard about feminsting.com creator Jessica Valenti’s new book, Why Have Kids: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness I couldn’t wait to hear another feminist’s take on the topic of parenting and life satisfaction.

why have kids?

After giving birth to her first child, Jessica Valenti’s experience of parenting, which was less blissful than she had expected, led her to explore the social politics around child-rearing in our culture today.  Putting modern parenting in a feminist context, Valenti examines the expectations we as women put on ourselves in the domain of parenting.  What expectations does society place on us?  How does parenting affect our lives and what changes do we still need to enact in order to make parenting a more manageable and less limiting choice?

One area I found brilliant was that Valenti encourages moms not to look at parenting as “the hardest job you’ll ever do,” arguing that this puts too much pressure on moms to put aside their other dreams and passions in the seemingly noble pursuit of being the perfect parent.  This really resonated with me and my philosophy on parenting.

In response to one mom-blogger’s online manifesto declaring parenting the hardest and most important role we can possibly play, Valenti responds:

“We must believe that parenting is the most rewarding, the hardest, and the most important thing we will ever do.  Because if we don’t believe it, then the diaper changing, the mind-numbing Dora watching, the puke cleaning, and the “complete self-sacrifice” that we’re “locked in for life to” is all for nothing.  We must believe it because the truth is just too damn depressing.”

Whether you have children, or are considering having them, I recommend this book because it helps shed light on some of the common pitfalls parents can avoid, and encourages critical discussion around the impact this choice has on us.

At times, Why Have Kids? seems more like a defense of child-free living than a call to empowered mom-hood.  Though I believe the author's intent was to open up a dialogue, rather than to argue for or against parenthood, the book frequently cites studies that show parents who are having children for “the joy of it” are ending up unhappier than their child-free peers.

While the responsibilities that come with having children would certainly seem to lead to added stress and frustration, I wonder whether the studies mentioned measure positive affect or whether they refer to overall life satisfaction?  These are sometimes broken up into two separate categories in positive psychology as “happiness” can be too vague a term.  Do parents expect more moments of joy?  More sense of purpose or belonging in their lives?  More love?

Although parenting has provided me with plenty of stress and a greater workload, it has also afforded me the opportunity to experience a capacity for love, compassion and generosity I might never have otherwise experienced.

I think Why Have Kids? could have looked more closely at the idea of love/meaning as the reason for becoming a parent, rather than coming back to the default word “happiness” so frequently.

There are many reasons why I had children.  Among them: love, chance, societal expectations, and perhaps a desire for immortality -- a part of me that lives on when my time here is up.

I'd also say that when I imagined life without kids, I often wondered who I would spend special occasions with in my older years.  I liked the idea of having adult children, and maybe grandchildren who would come together to celebrate holidays and milestones.

I encourage everyone to consider their reasons for having children, or not having them.  However, like any important choice, don't let fear or guilt be the deciding factor.  Following any calling is challenging and at times unpleasant.  Becoming a parent is scary.  So is standing up for not wanting to be one in the face of other's expectations.

As for me,  I will continue to treasure my children, while at the same time fighting for my career, my creativity, my self-expression and most definitely, my happiness.