If you've opened a self-development book or read a women's magazine in the last few years, you've probably heard the same advice I have: avoid toxic people.
Friend who complains all the time? Toxic! Dump her.
Co-worker who spends lunch talking about her poorly behaved children and clueless husband? Toxic! Stay away from her.
Cousin who monopolizes family gatherings with his cynical conspiracy theories? Toxic! You don't need to invite him to Thanksgiving.
While there are people in this world who are really, actually toxic - emotionally and verbally abusive individuals who are truly dangerous to our mental health - it seems that society has amended the meaning of 'toxic.' These days 'toxic' can mean anyone who's negative, annoying, argumentative, contrary, or just less-than-totally pleasant.
I'm having none of it.
Calling people 'toxic' is complete nonsense. Here's why:
It creates a victim mentality
When we label someone as 'toxic' we're putting them in a position of power and ourselves in a position of victimhood. Sweet, innocent, well-meaning people that we are, we were just minding our own business when that Toxic Person swooped in and ruined everything. If we'd never encountered them, things would have gone perfectly.
Surely, this toxic person is completely responsible for our bad mood, our failed business venture, our abandoned diet! Certainly, our struggles or less-than-phenomenal results had nothing to do with us!
(See how victim-y that sounds? Gross.)
It allows us to avoid tough + important conversations
Picture this: a friend is going through a rough patch. In the last year, she's been dumped, laid off, and received a serious health diagnosis. Every time you see her, she's negative and cynical and spends most of your time together saying mean-spirited things about mutual friends.
You have two choices.
1. You can label her as 'toxic,' because - in truth - she is. She's hard to spend time with and it's draining to see her.
2. Or you could summon the courage to say "Friend, I know you've had an incredibly tough year. I can't even imagine what it feels like to have gone through what you've gone through. I love you and I want to do what I can to make you happy. AND I feel sad and overwhelmed when you spend our time together bashing our friends and saying negative things. I'd love to make our time together more positive. How can we do that?"
It's judgemental + unkind
Most of us would hesitate to label someone as a bitch, an asshole, or a total waste of space. That's so mean! So totally uncalled for! But passing judgement on someone as 'toxic' is, uh, judgemental. And I think most of us, myself very much included, are happier when we're less judgmental.
I think it's also good to remember that one woman's 'toxic' is another woman's 'hilarious.' Your 'toxic' might be my 'just keeping it real' or 'honest in a really refreshing way.' Or vice versa! All the judgements that we pass on people (and that they pass on us) are completely subjective.
It makes the world seem like a scary, uncontrollable place
