Fleshing it out: sex-positive feminism & neo-burlesque part 2

backstage
backstage

Author's note: If you haven't already done so, please read part 1 of Fleshing it out: sex-positive feminism & neo-burlesque!

Old and New Burlesque

The original period of burlesque occurred in America from about the 1890s to the 1950s.  In the irreverent, satirical tradition harkening back to fifteenth-century Italy’s commedia dell’arte, burlesque featured dancing, music, acting, and comedy that parodied high culture and society. In the early days, it was seen as essentially a more risqué version of vaudeville theatre.  In an effort to compete with high-quality vaudeville shows, burlesque incorporated striptease, something their “family-friendly” competitors could not offer (Fargo, 2008).  Even though striptease was not introduced until the second half of this burlesque period, by the end of the 1920s, stripping was the main draw of burlesque.  The rest – variety acts, comedy – were just filler (Baldwin 2004, p.9).

As burlesque became more salacious, it drew negative attention from the public, as well as the law.  The police frequently raided burlesque theatres throughout the 1930s.  When burlesque was outlawed in New York City in 1937, (ironically, New York City would later become a place of burlesque’s rebirth), it lived on throughout other major American cities and with national tours (Fargo, 2008).

Burlesque fizzled out in the 1950s and 1960s, possibly due to the increasing popularity of television.

One of the permutations of burlesque that did survive was go-go dancing in the 1960s, where women danced in cages or on stages, which eventually morphed into strip club dancing. Eventually, pornographic films and strip clubs offered full nudity, making the burlesque performances that had once caused a stir to appear quite innocent by comparison.  “By the early 1980s, the art of revealing a woman’s body had become more like a gynecological examination” than a sultry, suggestive entertainment.  Stripping was becoming “big business, not show business” (Fargo, 2008, no page number available).

The rediscovery of burlesque in the 1990s may have been due in part to the ‘cleaning up’ of Times Square by New York City officials, such as then-mayor Rudy Giuliani, who closed down the neighborhood’s sex shops and peep shows.  Burlesque shows, which seemed higher class, rose up in their place.

On the heels of the swing dancing craze, “retro-lovers” were drawn to burlesque’s classic aesthetic, and a tattoo-adorned subculture sprang up around its reinvention (Baldwin, 2004, p. 18)  In 2002, neo-burlesque even found its way into mainstream culture when its icon Dita Von Teese, who was married to rock star Marilyn Manson, graced the cover of Playboy.

Why Bring Back Burlesque?

Michelle Baldwin (2004) states eloquently, though not with complete historical accuracy, “In what can only be described as a moment of collective subconscious, these young women, whose mothers had burned their bras, discovered that they actually liked their bras and thought they might look lovely covered in sequins, taken off, and tossed into the stage lights” (p.47).  Despite the fact that the ‘bra-burning feminist’ is only a mythical caricature that popular memory has drawn of the second wave feminist, Baldwin makes an interesting point.  Historically, burlesque had catered to a working-class male audience, and to stereotypical male fantasy.

“If early twentieth-century burlesque was ‘everyman’s’ entertainment,” Baldwin (2004) argues, “then new burlesque is ‘everywoman’s’ entertainment.  Women come to burlesque looking for what they think is sexy and what can make them feel like they’re sexy too” (p. 129).

What prompted this generation of women to take an interest in reviving the lost art of burlesque?  Perhaps, growing up after the sexual revolution, this generation was looking to exercise their newfound sexual freedom.  “Within the striptease routine, the power oscillates between the audience and the performer.  The performer can feel the power that comes from manipulating the audience with her sexual energy as well as knowing that their voyeurism is only made possible through her willfulness” (Willson, 2008, p. 138).

Nina Hartley – porn star, sex educator, and registered nurse, lists the many positive qualities of sex work.  While the term “sex work” more commonly refers to prostitutes, porn stars, and others that engage in actual sexual contact in their work, many of these attributes would seem to apply to burlesque:  “Enhanced self-image, sexual variety, creating a platform for my ideas about sex and society, creative erotic expression, exhibitionism, fantasy fulfillment, and economic gain.” (Hartley, 1997, p. 58).  Similarly, many dancers consider their work in traditional strip clubs empowering.  In my former career as an exotic dancer, I recall feeling an enormous sense of economic empowerment, and a certain freedom in rebelling against the unwritten ‘rules’ of society.However, the typical strip club does not put the dancer in control.  To the average club’s management, dancers are a dime a dozen, and are to be regarded with indifference at best.

Perhaps what taints strip clubs the most is the emphasis on monetary exchange; the woman strips, the man tips.  Because of this structure, both the dancer and the patron have a certain advantage over the other, and there is a constant need for negotiation that often threatens the pride of both parties and keeps them fearful of being ‘had.’  While new burlesque rarely provides the same earning potential as ‘stripping,’ it does provide a platform for mature entertainment in a more respectful, positive environment.

Jacki Willson (2008) asserts that “burlesque utilizes the controlled act of veiling and unveiling to question stigma, to question shame, to question restrictive disempowering roles and sexual, gender and class relations in society” (p. 131).

The new burlesque has many advantages over the type of performance available in strip clubs.  It provides a place for sexual expression on a woman’s terms.  The costumes are better made, the acts more inventive.  The audience is generally a mix of diverse, respectful men and women, often encompassing a full spectrum of sexual orientation and gender identities.  The dancing is better choreographed and better performed.  The sets are more creative.  There are typically no greedy, pimpish managers.

Although for most new burlesque performers it will probably never pay the bills, without the emphasis on money the dancers are free to express themselves without compromising their self-expression.

Sex and the Modern Feminist

The term “postfeminist” has been used by some writers, implying that since the sexual revolution, feminism is no longer needed, and the generations that would follow would not identify themselves as feminists.  It was Rebecca Walker who wrote in 1992, “I am not a postfeminism feminist.  I am the Third Wave” (Walker, as cited in Buszek, p. 331).  Third wave feminists have grown up in a post-sexual revolution era, but there are still many of us dedicated to women’s freedom and equality.

Where does the Third Wave stand in terms of our sexuality?  For one thing, we are more vocally pro-sex; we don’t want to be denied access to our sexuality by social taboo or ignorance.  However, we struggle with the notion of ‘sexual empowerment’ and what it looks like in practice.  How public should our sexuality be?  How much attention do we want to pay to our appearances, and how much attention do we want to receive?

Our convictions here as a movement are fuzzy.  At a Women’s Studies Conference in 2007, Third wave feminist icons Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards gave a talk addressing such questions as “Can feminists wear lipstick?” and their answer was essentially that feminists can do whatever they want, that the movement needs and wants as many people as possible to identify themselves as feminists.  There is no need for anyone to feel excluded simply because they are heterosexual, because they get their pubic hair removed through waxing, or even because they oppose abortion.  It is true that every woman should ultimately make her own informed choices.  However, as feminists have long pointed out, ‘the personal is political.’

The personal choices we make take place within the larger context of a shared society, and our struggles can and should be shared.

Objectification

pole dancer
pole dancer

The main criticism against sexualized displays of women’s bodies such as stripping and pornography is the ‘sexual objectification’ of women.  Anti-pornography scholar Robert Jensen (2007) provides a good definition of sexual objectification: “the way in which women’s full humanity is lost and they are reduced to the sum total of their body parts, and the sexual pleasure men get from that” (p. 112).  However, not everyone sees objectification as necessarily bad.  In the film A Wink and a Smile, burlesque performer Miss Indigo Blue states that as part of a process of “radical self-acceptance,” the burlesque performer “invites herself to be objectified” (Timmons, 2009).  Nina Hartley (1997) makes some interesting points in her essay “In the Flesh.”  She describes her process of entering sex work as an avid feminist, asking herself, “What were the gaps of logic in feminist criticisms of objectification and was objectification ever okay?… Could I defend my position with feminist philosophy and arguments?” (p. 57-58).  She explains how she came of age in the seventies, when “the received truth on sex was that men’s objectification of women was the root of all gender inequality… At the same time, other women suffered for never being the object of anyone’s desire” (Hartley, 1997, p. 63).  Hartley (1997) grapples with the problem of objectification reasoning that, “Since we can’t experience most people on deeper levels, everyone is, at least initially, an object to others.” (p. 64).

Though sexy media images, and even pornography are not necessarily bad, most popular sexualized representations of women strip away the woman’s personality, effectively reducing her to a pretty, but vacant body at best.

Alysabeth Clements (2009), author of the “Feminist Stripper” website, argues that it is acceptable for the woman to be invisible in a strip club because she is in the service industry.  However, such representations reinforcing in their male audience unhealthy beliefs about women; in the extreme they are likely to contribute to the incidence of violence and rape perpetrated by men who see women as less than human.

I do not propose that we rid our culture of sexual material, only that women be represented as whole, autonomous human beings.

Michelle Baldwin (2004) notes this distinction as well, commenting that “the burlesque performance is about sex and issues related to the body, but it’s not focused on the audience’s sexual gratification… it instead gets the audience members thinking about the entire woman and what she’s thinking, feeling, and creating, and the ideas around the act she’s doing” (p. 53).

Much of this gnashing of teeth over the issue of objectification could be avoided by observing a simple distinction: that to be the object of someone’s sexual desire and a sex-object are not one and the same.

When a woman is seen as a sex object, she has no agency, no voice.  She is not viewed as a whole person, which makes it easier for an abuser to excuse him or herself for mistreating her.  Alternatively, to be the object of sexual desire simply means that someone desires you, not that they devalue your other human qualities.  To make sure my point is clear: when a woman’s body is used for sex with no regard for her as a person, she is being objectified.  When someone is taken advantage of, or coerced into doing things she is not comfortable with, she is being exploited.  However, when someone looks at a woman and finds her sexually appealing, without losing sight of the fact that she is a real person and deserving of respect, she is simply being desired.

Writer Emily Layne Fargo points out that for the neo-burlesque performer:

sexual display is transformed from something ‘passive,’ where they offer their bodies up for visual consumption, into “a complicitous and reciprocal pleasure.”  The audience at a neo-burlesque show may enjoy looking at the performers; it may even turn them on. But the performers are looking right back, and deriving just as much pleasure from the experience. Neo- burlesque performers delight in “explor[ing] their very objectness,” putting into vital practice a statement made by Joanna Frueh in her book Erotic Faculties: “[a]s long as I am an erotic subject, I am not averse to being an erotic object.” (Fargo, 2008) (Frueh, as cited in Fargo, 2008).

Again, the use of the word “object” in this last sentence is not intended to refer to dehumanization of the “erotic object.”

Please check out parts 3-6 of Fleshing it out: sex-positive feminism and neo-burlesque. As always, thank you for reading!

References

Allen, R., (1991). Horrible prettiness. Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press.

Baldwin, M., & Evans, D. (2004). Burlesque and the new bump-n-grind. Denver: Speck Press.

Baumgardner, J., & Richards, A. (2000). Manifesta. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Bergner, Daniel (2009, January 22). What do women want?. The New York Times, Retrieved May 14, 2009, from http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?_r=2

Brumberg, J. (1998). Thebody project, an intimate history of American girls.  New York: Vintage Books.

Buszek, Maria. Pin-up grrrls. Durham: Duke University Press, 2006.

Celizik, M. (2009) Her teen committed suicide over ‘sexting.’ Todayshow.com http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/

Clements, A. Power to the penis or viva la vulva? The Feminist Stripper, Retrieved May 14, 2009, from http://www.geocities.com/alysabethc/feministstripper.html

Comella L. & Queen, C. (2008). The necessary revolution: Sex-positive feminism in the post-Barnard era. The Communication Review, 11.

D'Amato, A. (2008). Porn up, rape down. Northwestern University school of Law, Public Law and Legal Theory Research Paper Series, Retrieved from http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=913013

Dworkin, A., (2006). Intercourse. New York: BasicBooks.

Ensler, E. (2004). The good body. New York: Random House, Inc.

Etcoff, N. (1999). Survival of the prettiest. The science of beauty. New York: Random House, Inc.

Fargo, E.L., (2008). The fantasy of real women. Master’s thesis, Ohio State University.

Goldwyn, L., & Augustyn, J. (2006). Pretty things. New York: Regan Books.

Hartley, N. (1997). In the flesh. Whores and other feminists. Nagle, J. New York: Routledge.

Jensen, R., (2007). Getting off. Boston: South End Press.

Levy, A., (2006). Female Chauvinist Pigs. New York: Free Press.

Lykins, A.D., Meana, M., Strauss, G.P. (2008). Sex Differences in Visual Attention to Erotic and non-erotic stimuli. Archives of Sexual Behavior 37(219-228).

Meana, M. (2009). Elucidating women’s (hetero)sexual desire. Manuscript in preparation.

Merriam Webster Online. Definitions retrieved March 17, 2009. Web site: http://www.merriam-webster.com/

Nagle, J. (1997). Introduction. Whores and other feminists. Nagle, J. New York: Routledge.

Nevid, J., a., S., & Greene, B. (2007). Abnormal Psychology in a Changing World. Englewood Cliffs: Prentice Hall.

Rand, A. (1961). Pride. The Objectivist Ethics. Retrieved March 17, 2009, from Ayn Rand Lexicon Web site: http://www.aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/pride.html

Sarracino, C., & Scott, K. (2008). The Porning of America. Boston: Beacon Press.

Siegel, D., (2007). Sisterhood Interrupted. New York: Palgrave MacMillan

Timmons, D. (Director). (2009). A wink and a smile [Documentary]. USA: First Run Features.

Tyler, C. (2009). Personal interview. See Appendix C of this document.

Urish, B. (2004).  Narrative striptease in the nightclub era. (Received via personal communication December 2, 2009.)

Willson, J., (2008). The Happy Stripper. London: I.B. Tauris.

Wolf, N. (1996). Thebeauty myth: How images of beauty are used against women. New York: Doubleday

Fleshing it out: sex-positive feminism & neo-burlesque part 1

slutcracker2009
slutcracker2009

Honey Suckle Duvet and other performers in Boston's Holiday Burlesque show: The Slutcracker.

Dear Readers,

I wrote this piece and took the accompanying photos for a research project while completing my degree in Women's Studies in 2009-2010, therefore some of the research is out of date. I've been wanting to share it and decided to do so here on my blog.

I've abridged the piece slightly and broken it up into sections to make it a little more digestible.  I've got a short version of "Why I love Burlesque" planned, but in the meantime -- here's the long version!

I hope this sparks your curiosity about burlesque - if it does, be on the lookout for a burlesque workshop series with yours truly coming SOON!!

Fleshing it out: sex-positive feminism and neo-burlesque

Most people would not make any distinction between the neo-burlesque movement that is gaining popularity all over America and the type of performance done at a typical strip club, perhaps imagining slightly better-made or more retro-inspired costumes.  You might be surprised to learn that today's burlesque is closer to ‘fringe theater’ than it is to stripping.  In fact striptease, though often a part of burlesque, is not all there is to the art form.  Historically, burlesque has encompassed many types of performance.  It was originally a more adult version of vaudeville, and the many traditions used included music, dance, acrobatics, pantomime, drama, comedy, clowning, and more.  This tradition carries on to this day, making burlesque difficult to define, but it is characterized by the use of comedy and political satire, sometimes with racy content, and often including striptease.

Many performers and fans of new burlesque find these performances empowering, even feminist, because they allow women to publicly express themselves sexually, on their own terms, and often in ways that subvert popular expectations.

In twenty-first century America women struggle with cultural expectations that are evolving, and at times confusing.  Compared to women in previous generations, we have overcome many obstacles that traditionally kept women from experiencing independence and equality; however, as double standards loosen, as women gain autonomy and freedom, our society still reflects lingering discomfort with women’s sexuality in general.  Sadly, sexually empowered women seem easier for society to deal with when they are treated as objects (less than human), than when they are given a voice and social power.

A few years ago, 18-year-old Jesse Logan took her own life after being labeled a ‘slut’ and a ‘whore’ when she used her cell phone to send her boyfriend a topless photo of herself, which he later distributed to other students at their school.  Though her parents and the media blamed the tragedy of Jesse’s death on the problem of ‘sexting,’ (a word used to describe erotic text or picture messaging via mobile phone), her suicide was probably more directly caused by the problems of bullying and shaming (Celezik, 2009).  Jesse was bullied for acting on perfectly natural sexual desires.  Teenage sex is nothing new.  Unfortunately, the considerably pronounced mistreatment of teenage girls who act on these desires is nothing new either.  Since the days of the Puritans, our culture has punished 'sluts.'

Feminists may espouse differing opinions on specific issues, but most would agree that feminism is an ideology defined by its support for the fair treatment of women in society.  If this is so, why doesn’t everyone, especially women, proudly call themselves feminists?

Some would chalk it up to apathy.  Although modern feminists do seem more personally motivated and less politically oriented than feminists of previous generations, there are other reasons for the unpopularity of the feminist label.

One of these barriers lies in feminist stereotypes that many find unattractive.

The feminists of the late sixties and early seventies had a colossal task trying to create new possibilities for women outside the traditional role that Betty Friedan referred to as ‘happy housewife.’  These radical women questioned the status quo and rejected institutions that did not serve their interests.  Sometimes they rejected the things associated with traditional femininity to help promote radical social change.

The image of the unfeminine feminist persists, and it can scare away women who wish to be identified with traditionally feminine gender traits.

Today, the essence of porn shows up everywhere in American culture, and women’s willing participation in this trend of sexualization has prompted some critics such as Female Chauvinist Pigs author Ariel Levy (2006) to conclude that women would currently rather exploit themselves than admit defeat at the hands of an ever-dominant patriarchy, (a word used to describe a male-dominated social system).  These critics say that today’s young women are selling out rather than fighting for their rights the way past generations did.  However, it is not necessarily the culture or media that have caused these women to embrace seeming self-objectification; it may instead be the new-found sexual freedom, the waning of Puritanical values that causes these women to choose sexual self-expression.

In addition, we may need to revisit the concept of objectification and stop using this as our rote response to all things sexual in our culture.  Rather than continuing to condemn sexually explicit media, we might embrace opportunities to publicly honor our sexuality, and the re-emergence of burlesque seems to provide an outlet for this.

Others disenchanted with traditional second wave feminist politics are those who espouse ‘sex-positive’ or ‘pro-sex’ feminist values.  Carol Queen defines sex positivity as the recognition of sex as “a potentially positive force” in people’s lives (Comella & Queen, 2008, p. 278).  Sex-positive feminists are generally seen as “Less academic and less theoretical than the anti-pornography group,” drawing their convictions on the premise that they do not wish to be censored or have their sexual behaviors proscribed for them (Sarracino & Scott, 2008, p. 179).

I embarked on this research to find out why I, and many other educated feminists were not only un-offended by burlesque, but in fact attracted to it.  My attraction to burlesque left me conflicted.

As a ‘classically trained’ feminist scholar, I felt there was something hypocritical about being drawn to something that on the surface seemed un-feminist.  However, my previous experiences working in strip clubs, the work of burlesque performers I had seen and read, and my collaborations with burlesque performance troupe Iron Heart Circus left me wondering if feminists were mistaken about the issue of objectification.

Perhaps some types of bodily display could be feminist and empowering.

Jacki Willson took on the issue of objectification versus empowerment in the new burlesque movement in her book The Happy Stripper, but was ultimately unable to resolve the debate.  “This is a tricky issue… The system both empowers and exploits,” Willson (2008) writes in her conclusion (p. 174).  It seemed that this movement needed a more definitive stance than this.  Willson’s (2008)problem with burlesque is that “Without being coupled with an ironical, critical or reflective questioning of sexual power, erotic display risks falling immediately back into unchallenging, stereotypical ‘off the shelf’ readings of female sexuality – vulnerable, silent and fake” (p. 148).  When I began this research, I feared that despite my fondness for burlesque, this was probably the case – that it did tread too close to the line between sexual freedom and perpetuating stereotypical notions of women as sex objects.  Having researched the matter, I have now put these fears to rest.

Research Methods

To get to the root of burlesque’s potential as a political art form, I thought it best to speak directly with performers about their personal politics.  First and foremost, why did they choose to perform burlesque?  Did these women self-identify as feminists?  Did their personal politics, feminist or otherwise, inform their work?  Was exploitation or objectification ever a problem for them as performers?  Did they see burlesque as empowering or dis-empowering, and could they convincingly defend their positions?

I conducted qualitative interviews with five neo-burlesque performers: Boston solo artist Honey Suckle Duvet, Carrie Tyler and Crissy Trayner, co-founders of New Hampshire’s Iron Heart Circus, and UnAmerika's Sweetheart Karin Webb and Jill Gibson, burlesque and drag perfomers, and co-creators of Axe to Ice Productions, a Boston-based company which puts on cabaret and burlesque variety shows.

My other research included participating in rehearsals and performances and writing new material with Iron Heart Circus.  I also attended and photographed numerous burlesque performances by various artists, and informally interviewed burlesque fans and performers including members of the Boston Babydolls and the cast of Boston’s “Holiday Zeitgeist Spectacular,” The Slutcracker.

Please check out parts 2-6 of Fleshing it out: sex-positive feminism and neo-burlesque. As always, thank you for reading!

References

Allen, R., (1991). Horrible prettiness. Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press.

Baldwin, M., & Evans, D. (2004). Burlesque and the new bump-n-grind. Denver: Speck Press.

Baumgardner, J., & Richards, A. (2000). Manifesta. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Bergner, Daniel (2009, January 22). What do women want?. The New York Times, Retrieved May 14, 2009, from http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?_r=2

Brumberg, J. (1998). Thebody project, an intimate history of American girls.  New York: Vintage Books.

Buszek, Maria. Pin-up grrrls. Durham: Duke University Press, 2006.

Celizik, M. (2009) Her teen committed suicide over ‘sexting.’ Todayshow.com http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/

Clements, A. Power to the penis or viva la vulva? The Feminist Stripper, Retrieved May 14, 2009, from http://www.geocities.com/alysabethc/feministstripper.html

Comella L. & Queen, C. (2008). The necessary revolution: Sex-positive feminism in the post-Barnard era. The Communication Review, 11.

D'Amato, A. (2008). Porn up, rape down. Northwestern University school of Law, Public Law and Legal Theory Research Paper Series, Retrieved from http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=913013

Dworkin, A., (2006). Intercourse. New York: BasicBooks.

Ensler, E. (2004). The good body. New York: Random House, Inc.

Etcoff, N. (1999). Survival of the prettiest. The science of beauty. New York: Random House, Inc.

Fargo, E.L., (2008). The fantasy of real women. Master’s thesis, Ohio State University.

Goldwyn, L., & Augustyn, J. (2006). Pretty things. New York: Regan Books.

Hartley, N. (1997). In the flesh. Whores and other feminists. Nagle, J. New York: Routledge.

Jensen, R., (2007). Getting off. Boston: South End Press.

Levy, A., (2006). Female Chauvinist Pigs. New York: Free Press.

Lykins, A.D., Meana, M., Strauss, G.P. (2008). Sex Differences in Visual Attention to Erotic and non-erotic stimuli. Archives of Sexual Behavior 37(219-228).

Meana, M. (2009). Elucidating women’s (hetero)sexual desire. Manuscript in preparation.

Merriam Webster Online. Definitions retrieved March 17, 2009. Web site: http://www.merriam-webster.com/

Nagle, J. (1997). Introduction. Whores and other feminists. Nagle, J. New York: Routledge.

Nevid, J., a., S., & Greene, B. (2007). Abnormal Psychology in a Changing World. Englewood Cliffs: Prentice Hall.

Rand, A. (1961). Pride. The Objectivist Ethics. Retrieved March 17, 2009, from Ayn Rand Lexicon Web site: http://www.aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/pride.html

Sarracino, C., & Scott, K. (2008). The Porning of America. Boston: Beacon Press.

Siegel, D., (2007). Sisterhood Interrupted. New York: Palgrave MacMillan

Timmons, D. (Director). (2009). A wink and a smile [Documentary]. USA: First Run Features.

Tyler, C. (2009). Personal interview. See Appendix C of this document.

Urish, B. (2004).  Narrative striptease in the nightclub era. (Received via personal communication December 2, 2009.)

Willson, J., (2008). The Happy Stripper. London: I.B. Tauris.

Wolf, N. (1996). Thebeauty myth: How images of beauty are used against women. New York: Doubleday

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8 Life Lessons I Learned in Haiti

It's taken me a few months to put this post together because, as it turned out, my trip to Haiti for a trauma-informed yoga training with yogaHOPE this past April was the start of a new phase of life for me. Like the shedding of an old skin, within two weeks of returning I had given my notice at my full time job, ready to pursue a deeper calling. I've been in the shaky world of transition since then. It's not that any specific event happened in Haiti to cause me to take a new direction. I think it was the other way around.

I chose to go to Haiti because I needed to be inspired. Something was missing. I felt I had lost touch with a fundamental part of me, my passion for women's issues, and I longed to be a part of something that was making a difference for women, especially trauma survivors.

Prior to the trip, I was burnt out with the demands of working and teaching full time.  I didn't have much time or energy to pursue my creative interests, but I squeezed them in because they were important to me. What that amounted to was little time leftover for self-care (like sleep) and, oh yeah, my family.

My experience in Haiti helped me get unstuck. Since going back to teaching part-time, I've got time to write, play in the ocean, practice yoga, prepare healthy meals, to actually listen to my kids and my partner when they speak to me...  And I'm making just as much money as I was before!!

...JUST KIDDING!!!! My paycheck is a lot smaller than it used to be. I'm just going to make it work for now. ;)

8 life lessons from my trip to Haiti

  • I learned to appreciate many "simple things" I'd been taking for granted.Food and water that is safe to eat and drink. A clean safe bed to sleep in. Toilets that flush. Education for my children past kindergarten. Paved roads. Warm showers.I never realized how fortunate I was to have all of these things. It's not that I've stopped having needless anxiety or falling back on old habits or complaints, but my eyes have certainly been opened, and I am so much more aware.
  • I learned what makes for a memorable evening...It's not a fancy meal, fine wine, or the right outfit. Sometimes the best moments can happen outdoors, on plastic chairs, among friends, where the only thing on the menu is hotdog casserole, and there is one type of beer, and it is great. Note to self: Have friends over more often. (And keep it simple.)
  • I learned that hugging, dancing, singing, yoga and massage are really awesome in any language.
  • I learned that making music with a group is one of my favorite things in the universe.Another note to self: Always travel with ukulele, because you never know.
  • I learned my favorite emotion.While in Haiti, I experienced a state where I was content to smile, observe and take in my surroundings. Where I didn't need to put in my two cents, because my words would not improve on the peaceful quality of silence. I called this feeling "quiet happiness."
  • I found out it's fun to ditch the iPhone.No cell service and WiFi only at the guest house, so I checked email/social media twice a day, around breakfast and dinner time.  This was hugely different from my usual routine of checking every 5 seconds. It felt AMAZING not to be zoned out on the iPhone, and it made those brief check-ins actually fun and exciting to see what messages I had waiting. This deserves a whole other post as I need to integrate this into life back at home.
  • I discovered my greatest fear. No big deal.Kidding of course -- this was big. One of the most powerful moments in the training was an exercise where we were all given a slip of paper and a pencil.  We were to write down what we fear most, fold the paper and place it in a basket. We then took turns pulling out a slip and reading someone else's fear to the group.  It was so moving to hear many of the same worries expressed in English and Kreyol. Things like "I am afraid I will grow old alone." "I am afraid of dying."It took me only a few seconds to write mine down. The thought that came up right away was, "I am not important."Interesting. Noticing and naming the fear has allowed me to ask myself, "What if I am not important??"Maybe I'm not! Maybe that's okay. This thought is freeing.I had to confront this fear when resigning my management role -- a job that gave me a feeling of status, importance.  In Haiti, no one knew the company I worked for, what my role was. I was just me.

I'll leave you with one final thanks to all those who changed lives, including mine, by donating their time and money to this cause.

And if you didn't -- thanks to you too for reading this far!